on losing steam

In study abroad orientation, we were given a little chart depicting our expected emotional/academic moods throughout the course of the semester. I can’t find it now, but it looked kind of like your basic sine wave. At the time, I was in communication with two friends studying abroad (hi KMax & Bex!), and they both soundly dismissed the chart. KMax had never left the “honeymoon stage.” Rebecca had never entered it. I had no idea what to expect for myself, but I was kind of hoping for something nice and mellow, a middling sort of pace I could keep up for the whole semester.

This was not the case. I jumped in full force, and during orientation I was pretty convinced that Russia was awesome, and the semester was going to be great, and I was so. ready! Or at least ready to become ready. It took about a week for those illusions to crash, and I hit a low. Since then, I have been climbing pretty steadily… I’ve been keeping an eye out for milestones, working hard to reach them, and then congratulating myself when I do. It’s a good system for keeping up motivation. Also, as I’ve mentioned, I am the group event planner. I’ve been getting to see everything I wanted to see, when I want to see it, and people are happy that I was planning stuff! It’s been great!

But, in the wise words of whoever wrote the music to “The Sword in the Stone” (from the Disney Dark Ages; look it up)… “what goes up, must come down; for every smile there is a frown; for every high there is a low; for every to there is a fro.”

I’m still doing well. I know I’m learning stuff. I still make lists of questions I need to ask my professors. I still try to speak Russian when I can. I still try to go to museums. But this week I hit a wall pretty hard, and I’m at the point where I need a break (NOTE TO ACTR: this is why most universities put Spring Break in the middle of the semester, instead of after finals). I want a break from classes, yes, but also from the stresses of thinking about thesis proposals, summer jobs, and Fulbright applications; from the expectations that I’m going to find something new, interesting, and cheap to do every weekend; from hearing Russian at every turn, at every minute of the day; from the idea that I should be operating on all cylinders all the time to learn Russian.

Really, it’s the idea that I need to be using every minute productively that is getting a little rough. But I don’t quite know how to ditch that idea, since I know that I am here with a purpose (to learn the Russian language and culture), and that ahead of me there is a standard (total fluency).

It’s kind of like I’ve set the bar at infinity, and even though I know I’m not actually going to reach it in the next six weeks, I have to get as close as I can. And to spend energy on anything else seems extravagant. But if I don’t aim for 100% of my ability, where do I aim? 87% of my ability is just so much harder to quantify, and it also doesn’t sound as nice. But working at 100% of my ability suddenly appears totally unsustainable.

All of that said, I think I’m going to drop off of the internet map this week. I’ve got a lot to do (see: thesis proposal and Fulbright apps), and I need to take a break from something. And I don’t think that taking a break from Russian is going to fly (because, whether I like it or not, it’s kind of everywhere here). So this is goodbye to the blog and email for a few days, but I’ll be back!